Where have I been you ask? Busy with my life! School, competitions, sick kids, housecleaning, and the never ending piles of laundry! I have written the start of a few blogs and never finished them. I have managed to get to 144 lbs and maintain. I really need to get motivated to try harder to exercise...but we all know how that gets. I am not eating uber healthy but I am making wise food choices and watching what I eat.
Today we are enjoying our first snow of the season. If it is snowing before Thanksgiving we will likely see more this year. Which is fine in my book. As long as its not like the great snow of 2008! While it was exciting to have that much snow and see the blizzard like conditions and be "stuck" for 2 weeks, our area is not equipped for such a thing and the roads were horrible!!!
With 4 kids sickness seems inevitable and it is also seeming to be a never ending story around here. The coughing is so gross and is horrible this yr. So far all the kids have had it now. 2 have had viral bronchitis, 1 just a really long cough, 1 with a sinus infection, and now a feverish few days are added to the mix! Ikes, can it get any worse??? This is 2 months so far. And lets not talk about the diarrhea that accompanies antibiotics...icky. So that's the "exciting" run down of our lives over here.
Whats on my mind has been a heck of a lot. Not so great either. I get in these modes where I am somewhat depressed. I am not sure if its the weather or the staying home so long without work. Which I totally love staying home. I feel like the manager of my own company, no boss no ridiculous coworkers, no leaving the house...which also means many pj days =). I have been thinking a lot, which is never good, of all the relationships in my life. I am struggling with a lot of it. My marriage is pretty great, yeah, we have some little issues but nothing I haven't been able to handle. I have a very small handful of friends I don't seem to be having issues with either. In fact I recently made up with one. WE had a falling out a few years back and let me tell you it is a great feeling to make up with a friend! So, with that being said, why are there people that act like your best friend and then suddenly they aren't??? I am not talking about the few relationships you have where no matter where you are in life you can pick up the phone and it was like old times. I am talking about people you shared everything with did things with and the second one thing changes they disappear. With no explanation and no turning back. This happened when I married my husband. I was friends with a huge group of people at my job. I had shared many struggles with them. The second I was happy they slowly started not inviting me anywhere, had secrets I was not allowed in on, and it hurt. I have done this to a few people before but I feel for a good cause. These people I abandoned were people who never took any good advice, never grew up, or went a completely different path than me. They chose to do things that I believe are wrong and therefore was not going to continue to allow them to pressure me or tempt me. So I play with that idea but finally in my things were good I was happy and they were not there for me. I cant seem to let go of it no matter how hard I try. Or how about the people that hurt me the most in my life. I cant seem to let go of that either. Sometimes I don't think about it at all. But when I see or hear that their lives have gone on and they seem to have no remorse it hurts just as bad.
One of these people in particular is the father of my daughter. He has seen her 4 times in her entire life. He is into drugs and been in and out of prison and is totally disgusting. He also beat the crap out of me. He didn't even want her in the first place. I have no desire to have him in her life. I like things the way they are. But, she deals with issues of abandonment and hurt. She will always grow up knowing that someone cared so little for a part of himself that he hurt her. I recently found out that he has a son and a girlfriend he claims to love. And it hurts. How can I let that go? He is living life like he didn't do anything wrong, basically started over and is hurting us in the process. Yes, I know that I am letting him "win" if I feel hurt but I can just ignore it when i look into his face everyday. She looks like him and she even acts like him. I know I need to let go and let God, but its hard.
And how about those parents? I don't truly understand mine at all. I struggle with trying to honor them and still keep boundaries. I have a lot of anger built up. I still get hurtful words from them. And its true what they say...actions speak louder than words. There are things that have been done that hurt. I fully believe that besides my uncle I am the only one in my family that craves a close family. I got anything but. Whats sad is I have 9 uncles some grandparents and a few cousins and a handful of aunts...that's pretty huge not to be closer! And when those dragging feelings set in I struggle with the hurt. I dont know if I will ever fully get over this.
So with all that being said, does anyone know a little hypnotism to make me forget? =) It does feel good to write it down. Other than that life is truly good. I am thankful for a lot. Here are some things I am thankful for that include those I have been hurt by. Its good to remember the good not the bad, right?
1. I am thankful for my daughter. Without her I might have died from a drug overdose. She makes our world crazy but without her we would be bored.
3. I am thankful my mom dragged me to WA, I met my husband here. And I have a whole lotta love from him. I also gained a bigger closer family and an adorable son.
4. Facebook. I know silly right? But I have reconnected with many of my uncles and aunts and cousins. And its about the only time my sister will "talk" to me.
5. For my hurtful past. Without it I wouldn't be able to protect my kids and teach them what I have learned. I wouldn't appreciate my husband as much as I do. And I wouldn't be where I am today.
So thank you Willie, for my beautiful daughter. You are missing out. You don't get to hear her sing or play piano, you don't get to see her be a good big sister, and you don't get her hugs. But I do.
Thank you to everyone who hurt me. I have a greater appreciation for caring and loving people.
Thanks to my parents for dragging me as far away from family as possible so that I know how important it is to surround my children with their step dads family so they get to enjoy that part in life. Thanks for the insensitivity to me and my feelings so that I may find my MIL incredibly wonderful and have great conversations with someone so sweet. Most people don't like theirs and I love mine!!
Thank you to all the men who hurt me. I must say that going through all that was truly a little slice of hell, but I now have my own slice of heaven right here on earth. I appreciate even the smallest things that my husband does because of it.
